Sometimes it's okay to not feel okay...

Sunday morning.  Feeling stuck.  I go lie on the couch and do some breathing.  Thoughts of frustration over what has happened and my future recovery.  Been here before,  need to move through it as I know that anger and frustration are usually secondary feelings.  Clench one hand into a fist and then the other.  So tight.  My nails dig into my palm.  I continue to breathe.  Keep breathing.  

I think of all of you, my friends and family who care about me and the phrase: "Sometimes it's okay to not feel okay" enters my head.  The anger starts to melt away.  My knees and legs begin to tremble and the tears come as my fists let go.  

Sometimes its okay to not feel okay about...

spending 4 months in the hospital
almost dying 3-4 times
navigating a long recovery
not eating any food or drinking any fluids
having four holes in my abdomen emitting stool
being tied to a machine at night to give me my nourishment

More tears and trembling.  Release in my body and mind.  After twenty minutes the storm has passed.  Off to help Tina get ready for her girls trip to Harrison Hot Springs and then on to a party her friends are putting on for me as a welcome home from the hospital.  

Sometimes its okay to not feel okay.  A good mantra to help move through the lows of recovery, and perhaps just as helpful as the practice of actively choosing to engage in life and make the most of it.