It's Been a While

I'm not feeling full of energy at the moment and it's been bothering me for sometime about writing a blog post. 

I wanted to let all of you know that I am okay.  

July and August were rough months with time spent in ER and time spent hopping from one doctor appointment to another.  Not fun.  This was all to nail down the source of fevers I had been having.  In my opinion they never did find the source and instead elected to put me on a broad spectrum antibiotic for six weeks.  I have less than two weeks to go and I hope it works.  

If you'd like to know more about the medical side of it please feel free to write or call me.

Right now I am very weary from the medical rodeo ride.  And there doesn't appear to be an end in sight either.  

This month I have vowed to make more inroads into the local cancer community.  I was planning on doing this during the summer and it didn't happen.  Hopefully this will lessen some of the anxiety and other not so fun feelings I am experiencing. 

I am also looking to find more ways to not be my own worst enemy.  I know I have written about this before and it keeps coming up.  This is the toughest stuff I have faced in my life and in spite of this I still think that the average person in similar circumstances would find it easier...

Here is how my brain works.... 

Yeah so what nine surgeries and a big set back during the summer in that nothing has really progressed?  I'll just chill out and listen to music and play video games plus you know meditate and you know it's all good 'cause I know everything will somehow get better.  Because after all of this that has happened you know I still have a very strong sense of faith in life that it will continue and things will get better... barf... need I go on?

This is opposed to the reality of feeling weary and tired.  Of feeling grief over the experiences that I have not been able to participate in since last October.  Of experiencing tears every day over the uncertainties that I am facing... Will the antibiotics work? Will I be able to take chemo to get the tumors to shrink? Will the chemo work? Will my wounds heal up or will I have to wear three illeostomy bags permanently?  Feeling like I can't trust my body while it goes through all of this craziness and last but not least...

Am I doing everything I can to heal?  

Screw that.  

I'm doing what I can in a stupidly difficult situation and just maybe that's good enough. 

Just maybe...

Also:

If any of you had some ideas for distractions that would be great.  Or some small activities I could do that could help bring some meaning and purpose in my life.   Some guidelines... something that could get me out of the house and in contact with other people.

I am also looking for some or some Light, FUNNY, books to read (some of my favourite books and authors have been: John Grisham, The Foreverwar, 20th Century Historical Fiction, James Mitchner's Hawaii, the Flashman Series).  I am also fond of podcasts and if you had a favourite or two i'd be interested in checking them out.  

Hope all of you are well,


​Dan