Hopes and Fears About Temporary TPN

I will be heading home on home TPN (Total Parenteral Nutrition). It is delivered intravenously every night over 14 hours (8 pm to 10 am). I am currently receiving training on how to do this myself for when I get back home.

The main advantage to TPN is my body is guaranteed to get the nutrition it needs AND it will allow my bowels to rest and heal. The plan and hope is that over time my bowels will heal and I will be able to eat more food and absorb the nutrients from it and then discontinue the TPN.

Oh and It will also allow me to go home, home to my life with Tina.

How am I with this?

I feel excited... Light and warmth in my body and mind at the prospect of getting to go home.

I also have thoughts of what activities TPN will help me get back to in the short term and the long term. Short term is time at home with Tina and cuddles in bed and on the couch as well as an environment that will allow me to start budgeting for this year's Green Guys on The Drive season plus resume helping my friend David complete a video on Sexual Assault and Fetal Alcohol. With these thoughts comes a relaxation and letting go of some of the tenseness in my body.

Long term I think about how this will serve as a stepping stone so I can heal and regain my strength so I can get back to hiking, camping, biking, swimming, and traveling. These possibilities give me great excitement and reacquaint me with my great enthusiasm for life that John Denver expresses in his song "I want to Live."

On the flip side I have fears about TPN. Given I need to hook up at 8 PM I worry about the impact it will have on socializing as I will need to be at home to hook up. After I'm hooked up I can wear a small back pack and go out (Brandon and others I'll let you know when I'm ok about jokes on this topic ;) ). I also worry about the impact it will have on my work life... I feel heavy in my body with this thought and an emptiness at some of the night time activities that I could miss out on... And I know I will adapt.

Also At this point I'm not comfortable doing a nine to five job with a pack on my back and I know this is just temporary and this brings me to my last big fear... That my bowels won't heal enough and I will be on some form of TPN for the rest of my life and will greatly impact things like travel to far away lands and parenting etc... These fears feel like a deep dread in my body... Like an anchor dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean at the thought of what I would miss out on.

For me these different light and dark thoughts and feelings are not separate in my body. I have the light AND the dark. I am learning slowly how to hold both in my body and mind at once.

It's a full life.