My life line

Fuck. Another small setback this morning. One of the holes that opened up had healed or so I thought until I went on full fluids and then it started emitting stool again. So now the plan is NPO, nothing by mouth until the healing process is much more further along.

Those are the medical facts...

How am I? Brings up all my frustration, grief and sadness over having a reasonably complex medical condition for the past six years... All the surgeries, the interruptions (for both Tina and myself), the delay of starting a family (chose adoption as we didn't want risk passing on my genes to our children), the interruption to my career and perhaps more importantly my vehicle through which I get to feel like I am making a contribution to my community. This grief shows up as hot tears and a heaviness in my body and also a release of tension of acknowledging what is going on for me.

So at times like this morning my head is also filled thoughts and feelings and worries that I'll never get better, that I will always live with this level of uncertainty in my body. And I feel scared. I feel like I am lost at sea in stormy seas without a boat or life raft at all. My body feels tight and tense.

And then I remember my love for Tina and her love for me. And I call her up or text her. And she casts out this life line to me. She reminds me that the NPO is temporary and that I will recover and that all that is needed is time and the readily absorbable nutrition from the TPN. And I grab on to the life line and she pulls me in. And then feelings of gratitude and love fill me up for being so lucky to have such a kind, caring, strong woman as my life partner. I feel the warm deep tears and sobs of love and gratitude for Tina's love for me and my love for her.

Damn did I win the lottery.

I love you with all my heart honey.

Dan